My Marriage Blog

When my fiance and I were engaged, there was a considerable level of anxiety for both of us as our marriage date drew closer. Call it cold feet, last minute jitters, or just plain not wanting to get burned again, neither of us were without worries as we embarked on another round of marital territory. We often joked with one another that one of us wasn’t going to show up on the wedding day. One night, Jon asked me, “Why not just stay single? We can still be friends like we have been without all the anxieties. Why not just stay like we are?” I knew in that moment he was challenging my resolve. We both had intermittent rounds of doubts about moving forward with what we knew entailed huge commitment, substantial sacrifice, and definite difficulties. Simply put, being single is much easier than being married, and we knew it. I felt like he might as well have been asking me, “Are you really in this thing? And what makes you so sure?” I gave Jon my answer, which was that I had already gotten my answer. We were supposed to move forward with this. But my mind kept coming back to the question for the rest of the evening. Why make things more difficult? Why take the hard road? Single life definitely has its advantages. My mind wouldn’t rest as I continued to examine his simply stated question. But then the answer came to me. In one swift moment of epiphany, I suddenly knew exactly why, and I needed him to know how I knew why. So I answered his question in a message later that night:

8-9-19 ( two and a half weeks until wedding day) “You asked me tonight what things we couldn’t do if we just continued as we have been without marriage, besides the obvious one of intimacy. But to expound upon what we discussed… The answer is, we cannot progress. We cannot refine ourselves. We cannot learn and grow in the comfort zone. We cannot be tried and tested and proven. We cannot develop the characteristics of Christ. We cannot become more like our Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. We cannot fulfill the purpose we were meant to fulfill.

We can stay in our comfort zone of single life, and yes, it certainly would be much easier. So little is required of us in that state. So little is sacrificed. We come and go as we please. We don’t have to seek anyone’s opinion or approval or consent. We do what we want, when we want, how and where we want. There’s no need for negotiation or compromise because there’s no one to consult with. There’s little relational opposition in single-hood. Just the bouts of loneliness that set in on holidays and special occasions when the house feels particularly empty. Which is precisely what the adversary would have for us. Complacent. Stagnant. Alone.

Yes we could continue the way we have been. But I don’t think that was ever the plan, not from the beginning of time when Adam and Eve were driven from beauty and bliss to perpetual pain, and it certainly is not the plan now. 

The difficult road IS the plan. It always has been.  It always will be until we are called home. The big question is, who do you want to go home with? Do you want to go home alone? Or do you want to return home and tell your Father above that you gave someone all you had, you loved someone with all your heart, and you lived and laughed and longed all through your days with someone who did the same for you. That’s the question. 

In the end, all that matters is how you spent your days. We certainly can spend them alone. But I’d rather spend mine with a man like you. Someone who knows God. Someone who will do whatever it takes to return home to Him, and someone who will love me enough to take me with him.

So once again… I’ll be there on the 28th. Look for me…I’ll be the one dressed in white.”

As a mother of five, I have launched three kids into this big, wide world, and it is not an easy task. I’m not one of those parents who is doing the “hip hip hooray” chant when my kids leave. Emotionally, it can be a bit heart wrenching. As my first daughter prepared to leave for college, I was thrilled for her. I didn’t get the chance to do that and I was ecstatic she would have the opportunity to fulfill a dream I had always longed to fill. When it came to loading the truck, moving all her things and helping her get settled in her dorm, I found myself in uncharted territory. When it came time to leave, I discovered an entirely new emotion I had never felt before. Driving away that night was possibly one of the most emotionally difficult moments I’ve had as a mother. Once we arrived home, I sat in her empty room and just cried. I looked around the room, remembering countless memories over so many years from the time she was young. Not having her home anymore left a vacancy in my heart.

My second daughter left home two years later. Knowing what I was up against did not help much. She was my last daughter to leave me home with all boys. When she left, she took the last of our late night conversations, talking about boys while she did her make-up in the bathroom, late night discussions after she came home from dates, and all the girlie stuff in between that just doesn’t exist with boys. When my second daughter left, I sat in her room and cried just the same.

When my son got ready to leave on his mission, I couldn’t have been more thrilled and proud. It’s a moment I had been anticipating, teaching, guiding and hoping for all the years I had been raising him. He was doing exactly what he should be doing. Yet, at departure, when he walked away for the last time and disappeared through airport security, it felt like he was taking my heart with him.

These are the triumphs in a parent’s life, but they also bring challenges in other ways. I’m guilty of not wanting my kids to move away from me. I can’t imagine not being able to hug and kiss my grand-kids often. But I have learned to let go and provide the distance my kids have needed as they have begun their own new journey together. I have three married kids now, and I feel all of them have maintained relative closeness in healthy ways. Sometimes they come over to talk, or we talk when I visit them, but overall, I know they manage the majority of their difficulties together as spouses. They seem to have all learned to keep marital difficulties “close to their vest,” and rely on each other to work through challenges instead of divulging sensitive information that is often best to keep between the two of them.

In reading the article, “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws,” it is fantastic reinforcement to be reminded:

“Parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law.”

It takes some adjustment for parents to progress through a new phase of life with their kids moving out and on with life. The biggest adjustment I had to make was letting go. Once closely involved in the details of my kid’s lives, I had to accept the fact that I would no longer be. I would no longer know their daily details, nor should I. In order for them to move on, I had to let them move forward without me. It took some time to get used to not knowing, not always being there for them. I learned to focus my attention on other positive aspects of life and giving them the space they needed to grow and figure things out on their own. Through all the difficult adjustments, time has has blessed me with the great joys of grandchildren. While parenting was a continuous, never-ending challenge, grand-parenting is thee best thing ever. I dare say, being a grandparent can be more fun than being a parent! I now have a new philosophy. In my opinion, parenting is like having to eat your green beans, and grand-parenting is like getting to eat your dessert after you finish your green beans. (wink, wink)

Power wars. Marriage can produce the best of them. There are times when a couple reaches gridlock on an issue and finding resolution can take time, patience and compassion; qualities that are often in short supply during a disagreement. How we resolve our challenges reflects more about our natures than we’d probably like to admit. It can be difficult to assess one’s own blind spots when it comes to power in our relationships. Can we honestly assess if we dominate conversations or exert control over our partners? Can we truly discern if our partner feels free to express their opinions, and if they feel heard and understood? When we don’t agree with our spouse, do we give them the cold shoulder? Power struggles manifest themselves in many forms, sometimes very subtle. Resisting influence of a spouse, “tuning out” their point of view, and barricading the opinion of a spouse during an argument are all power plays where one is positioning to “win out” over the other.

Richard Miller, Director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University suggests that “The issues of power, control, and hierarchy are important in families. Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems… Happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership.” Dr. Ross Eshleman states, “Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and relationship satisfaction.” (The Family, 2003, p 331.)

In a research project at the School of Family Life at BYU, Richard Miller was involved in studying interactions of 500 families in Seattle, Washington and 200 families in Utah Valley. Miller suggests that power is made up of two major components. “The first is the process of power, where one spouse tends to dominate conversations, doesn’t listen to the other partner’s opinion, etc. The second component is power outcome, which is determined by which partner tends to get their way when there is a disagreement.”

While “winning” an argument might feel like a victory in the moment, it may count as a loss later when intimacy and closeness in the relationship suffers. Sometimes it takes time to recognize the damage done while ensuring “the win.” It can manifest itself in lost trust, emotional distance between spouses, and diminished faith in fair and equitable problem-solving in the future. “Getting your way” comes with asserting superiority at the cost of losing a degree of respect and admiration from the one you need it most. When one partner feels continually dismissed, disregarded and “overridden,” marital satisfaction plummets. Sharing power in a relationship is not only a key factor in effective problem solving, it is the only way to cultivate an atmosphere of harmony, mutual respect and true partnership in marriage. Without those ingredients, the relationship eventually fails, and any forthcoming “wins” might just take place in the courtroom.

After several years of being single and just remarrying recently, my current husband and I have both experienced the heartbreak of an unfaithful spouse. It is clear to me that experiencing an unfaithful partner is one of the most painful things a person can go through. We both have wounds and fears we carry, and perhaps it will take a long while for those wounds to completely heal. One sensitive area of attention that required some changes was my Facebook activity. I’ve deleted every single person I previously dated to help my spouse feel more comfortable. Facebook and social media have now become one of the most statistically prevalent ways people engage in emotional infidelity. Emotional infidelity is the grayest of areas within emotional boundaries. As stated in several bullet points in an article entitled, “Friends, Facebook & Fidelity,”

• Emotional infidelity is damaging, and often leads to other forms of betrayal.
  • Sharing ones tender feelings, confidences and aspirations creates bonds. These should be reserved for your spouse.
• Social networking sites have become common means of connecting with “lost loves”—both intentionally and accidentally…with the same predictable results.
• Because they seem harmless, people often disregard the fact that they may be relating to others in ways they would never consider doing by more conventional (less convenient) means.

Conversations begin innocently, they are perpetuated and a benign relationship is cultivated that has the potential to become something it was never originally intended to become. In today’s world, where Satan is using every tool possible to destroy marriages, (and he’s succeeding,) we have to place every firm boundary we can to prevent infidelity in any form into our relationships. I loved the symbolism in the story relayed in the same article, “Friends, Facebook & Fidelity” called “Lessons from Babylon.” Babylon was guarded by four enormous walls, 335 feet tall, 85 feet thick, 56 miles in circumference (app. 14 miles on each side) These walls were absolutely impossible to break! The Euphrates river ran through it, providing a source of water and waste management. Underwater grates stopped underwater invasions, and it was believed the city could not be conquered through siege.

But the city was brought down in one day to Cyrus, king of Persia. The Euphrates was diverted several miles upstream. Once the water was only shin deep, the grates were easily removed and an entrance created.

We must always remember we have an enemy in our midst, relentlessly applying every tactic possible to break down our protective boundaries. The adversary never sleeps, never rests, never stops. The breakdown of the family is his greatest triumph and is certainly a segway to the degradation of society. When it comes to fidelity, we must not ever let our guard down, or even venture into an area of allowing any form of relationship with someone other than our spouse. For those that say, “That will never happen,” they are at the greatest risk. These individuals won’t protect themselves against something they cannot see happening, therefore, they naively fall prey to the adversary’s subtle tactics. Protect yourself like you’re fighting blindfolded, and surrounded by an enemy who knows everything about you… because you are.

Charity can mean multiple things to different people. When I was young, I thought charity meant giving to the poor. Even understanding that fractional portion of the word “charity” did not give me more of it. I recall a time many years ago when I was young, inactive and hard-hearted. It was Christmas time, and it seemed every store I went to had a Salvation Army representative at every front entrance to collect donations with that distinctive ring of their red bell. After a long season of shopping and who knows how many trips to the stores, I grew weary of the constant beckoning for more money, and experienced the “guilt trip” each time I walked by without donating. To compensate for my guilt, I defaulted to resentment. “Can’t I just walk into a single store without being bothered for more money? Haven’t I given enough already??” As I grew older and became active in the church again, I realized that was a dark period in my life where I lacked charity. Not just in failing to give to the less fortunate. I lacked charity in my heart and successfully found reasons to blame them for my lack of it.

How often in marriage do we lack charity? How often do we grow weary of giving more, tired of the constant beckoning to meet more demands, more requests, more “to do’s?” And how often do we use resentment to shield us from our own guilt for what we lack?

As Goddard reminds us in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, “In an effort to understand charity, it is important to know what it is NOT. It is not artificial good cheer. It is not a thin veneer of politeness on a distressed soul. It is not holding our tongues while judging and resenting others.“ In marriage, we often endure shortcomings in our partners until they become an inconvenience to us, and then we go about our uncharitable ways of trying to fix our partner instead of humbling ourselves. We naturally focus our attention on their failings instead of their strengths, and view the relationship in terms of how it should benefit us instead of how we should give more. Instead of exercising the humility to allow our spouses to teach us how to meet their needs, we lecture on how our own needs are left unmet. When things get tough, we let inconveniences and irritations crowd out the goodness and blessings marriage brings into our lives. Goddard points out, “It is my view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a picnic with friends. It is more like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth, and abundant homework.”

Marriage is hard work, but the work is fruitful if rooted in the foundations of charity. This is centered on how we choose to see our partner, how capable we are of loving them in spite of their shortcomings, and how interested we are in seeking their best interest instead of our own. Marriage gives us the best opportunity to develop the character of Christ simply because it is filled with so many opportunities to overcome the tests of our patience. We are given the test over and over again until we can finally get it right. Nothing develops patience more than the very moment that requires it.

In life we often find what we are looking for. Charity in marriage means not just seeing the good, it is looking for the good, actively appreciating the good, and generously expressing that gratitude to the ones we love. It is the condition of our hearts when we communicate how we feel, realizing that the combination and delivery of our words are the very essence of how our message will be received. As Goddard so perfectly states, “There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.”

When our hearts are soft, when our minds are humble, it is then the Lord can teach us what we have yet to learn about applying charity into our marriage. It will likely take a lifetime to get there… The point is to start the journey.

So there’s a chance you might experience a perpetual problem within your marriage. A 69% chance to be more exact. According to John Gottman, there are two kinds of problems that plague a marriage, solvable problems and perpetual ones. Solvable problems are centered around a specific dilemma or circumstance. These types of squabbles can certainly be frustrating, but they can be worked through, like when one spouse leaves the toothpaste lid off, or squeezes the tube from the middle instead of the bottom.

Unfortunately perpetual problems, the larger percentage of marital conflicts, can last as long as the marriage does. These are the types of difficulties couples will be arguing about for years to come. However, both types of problems are present in every marriage and that doesn’t mean a couple can’t have a happy marriage, it just means they have the opportunity to learn and grow through these challenges just like everybody else. A happy marriage isn’t the absence of these problems; it’s the dynamic way a couple deals with them. When couples intuitively understand that conflicts are inevitable, they recognize as Psychologist Dan Wile said in his book, After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.” It doesn’t matter who you pick, you are picking a set of problems! If you decide to turn in your marriage for a “better” one the next time around, you may be unpleasantly surprised to find you simply have a different set of problems to deal with.

Often it’s our expectations going into marriage that need to be adjusted. H. Wallace Goddard writes in his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, “No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs. In mortality, we will live with disappointment. We can dwell on our discontent or we can celebrate the points of connection. Brother Kent Brooks of the BYU faculty of Church History and Doctrine observed: “Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and tests of our patience and love for our partners.” This certainly is where the term “for better or for worse” applies.

Two of the most basic principles we can apply to our relationships in effort to create happiness and contentment are, first, to simply be consistently gentle with one another, and second, to never surrender self-control by yielding to the harmful forces of anger. Anger is a choice. We choose it. It is destructive. It damages every relationship it is unleashed upon. Anger can be described as the beast within, and it is best kept on a leash. It becomes profoundly more difficult to put anger back on the leash once loosed, and the wake of damage it leaves behind is hard to forget. A flash of anger is the catalyst to spewing ugly words that hurt. Words mean things. Once said, words can never be taken back.

Llewelyn R. McKay has said, “Let husband and wife never speak in loud tones to each other, ‘unless the house is on fire’ ” (Stepping Stones to an Abundant Life, comp. [1971], 294).
 Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy takes it even further, with his challenge, “We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: “I will never become angry again.” Ponder this resolution.” It’s a hefty challenge, but one worthy of working towards.

The big question is, are we gentle and kind with one another? Or do we save that face for all the people who don’t really matter? It’s a valid question worth evaluating. The scriptures say it best. As quoted by Elder Lynn G. Romney, “We are to lead our families by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, kindness, and meekness, and by love unfeigned (see D&C 121:41–42).” Otherwise, we are simply reducing ourselves by becoming a tool of the adversary in stirring up contention. While we stew, he laughs. Mission accomplished. The adversary will do everything in his power to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. Never let the adversary win.

Marriage is delicate. Life is too long to spend the length of it being harsh with the ones you love. Living a higher law means being gentle, being patient, being kind. When you look back on your life in the end, you will never regret being remembered as the nice one.

Like an unseen enemy seeping through the shadows of the night, pride infiltrates our culture and way of life, almost without detection. It seeps into our places of work, our schools, and inevitably into our homes, try as we may to protect them. We can lock all our doors and windows, but our walls of defense are permeably susceptible because pride dwells within. It is the condition of the heart that reveals its prideful contents. Pride hides within our motives, our intentions, and the words we think but never say. President Ezra Taft Benson speaks out boldly against pride in May 1989 Ensign, “Beware of Pride” as he states that the Book of Mormon is the “record of a fallen people.” Why did they fall? “Behold, the pride of this nation, or the people of the Nephites, hath proven their destruction.” (Moroni 8:27.) Benson declares the central feature of pride is enmity, meaning “hostility or state of opposition.” This is where Satan gains control.

Pride is difficult to see in ourselves, yet readily obvious as we look at others. Self-evaluation proves difficult and blind spots prevail as we attempt to objectively discern where pride dwells within. How do we “see” our blind spots? We can quietly, and honestly apply a few scenarios to see if they “fit.” We can be sure, if we have ever worried more about what people think of us more than what God thinks of us, we have encountered pride. If we have ever participated in faultfinding, gossiping, murmuring, envying, or living beyond our means, pride is in our midst. If we struggle to forgive others, holding negative feelings in our hearts towards another, we are struggling with pride. If we have ever bristled against authority in a power struggle, or exercised power over another, we have succumbed to pride. If we have ever centered our thoughts on the self-seeking, self-gratifying, “how everything affects me,” mentality, we are the facilitators of pride. When we reduce our disposition to one of contentiousness, spraying hostile words that demean or injure, when we are easily offended, or when we hold grudges, we are perpetuating pride. When we repel counsel or correction, defending our positions, justifying, rationalizing, pride has sunk its talons into our hearts.

Recognizing these symptoms of pride in our own lives proves difficult, yet progression is thwarted until we do. Our relationships suffer on every level, “our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.” Pride even exists in the “pursuits that compete for our time.” “When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment.” (Benson, Ensign, May 1989.)

How do we dispel pride? “The antidote for pride is humility, meekness, submissiveness… it is the broken heart and a contrite spirit.” (Benson, Ensign, May 1989.) When we lift others higher than we are, we are dispelling pride. When we humble ourselves to receive counsel and chastisement, when we forgive those who have wronged us, or when we engage in selfless service, we are dispersing pride. When we are patient under trying circumstances, tolerant of differences, or when we are kind while on the receiving end of anger, we are quashing pride. When we can metabolize anger and not return it, when we can see strengths in the midst of weakness, when we choose to see beauty surrounding the imperfections of others, we are prevailing against pride. When we are humbly engaging in serving the Lord, willingly submitting to His will, His guidance, His direction, and when we are persistently turning to the Lord, putting the Lord first in our every day lives, we are overcoming pride.

“Pride is a universal sin,” (Benson) and it comes with a price. The impact of pride is incalculable, nevertheless it is costly. What is pride costing you?

There may be times in one’s marriage where an obstacle is encountered. This obstacle, whatever it may be, can prove to be a formidable barrier to contentment and peace within our relationship. There may even be times when one questions past mistakes that have led to the present point in time that is feeling too grievous to bear. We may second-guess past choices, feeling permanently punished for decisions gone wrong. When our focus turns negative, suddenly everything seems to bother us. We become continually pestered by trivial things and fixated on what others are doing to perpetuate these “wrongs.” It is in this mindset that the adversary wields his power. The negative mind is the perfect playground for Satan and his minions.

It can be easy to forget, life is a “perfectly-guided moral education.“ (H.W. Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2009.) If Satan can keep us distracted with the trivial and continually frustrated over the daily disturbances that naturally occur on a regular basis, we become an easy target to toy with. As Goddard reminds us, “When we have vibrant faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, we know that the irritations and challenges of marriage are blessings intended to develop our character.”

Marriage provides the most significant opportunity for two people to encounter opposition and difficulty. It is under these very circumstances where growth has its greatest potential; that is, if we can see things from a heavenly perspective. We are often told to remember to look up. Look up for guidance and faith when times are hard. Look up for strength and wisdom when you feel you lack. Perhaps an additional perspective to consider is to remember that we once looked down. We once stood next to our Heavenly Father as he gently revealed the trials we would face down on earth. In our Father’s presence, we felt His immense love, and we understood. We understood these challenges Heavenly Father presented to us were the opportunities we needed if we were to continue in growth and progression. We accepted what we were to be given. We knew it would be difficult, but we embraced the next necessary step to our salvation.

We don’t remember those moments when we stood in the loving presence of our Heavenly Father. We don’t remember what we understood about His plan for us. But we can picture looking down from Heaven and knowing it was God’s plan for us and it was intentional. God does not make mistakes. God doesn’t do “random.” We must remember, “At times of relationship stress the best of us may wonder if we should have married differently-if we made a mistake. My guess is that, in ways not discerned by us, God guided us to be together. My guess is that God can take our marital choices and make them ideally suited to bless and balance us.” (H.W. Goddard, 2009).

It has been said, there is no growth in the comfort zone, and no comfort in the growth zone. We just need to exercise faith in the process; we must trust that things will unfold as they are meant to. We must believe that “God can turn almost any of our choices into blessings. He has an amazing ability to transform our bad decisions into growth.” “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ can transform our imperfect relationships into purposeful growth and soul-filling companionship. It is the foundation on which strong relationships are built.” (H.W. Goddard, 2009).

If you are ever shrouded in the heaviness of doubt or despair, make no mistake…there is only one “being” who will do everything in his power to keep you in that dark place. Dispel doubt and remember, every choice in your life has led you here. You have learned, you have grown. You have repented, you have cried, you have endured. The culmination of your life’s experiences have brought you right to this place, and you are right where you are supposed to be. Keep going, keep trying, because you’re not done yet. Hang on for the ride and trust in the journey. The Lord has not finished creating you…and the best “you” is yet to come.

I am a newlywed. Not a young one, by any means. After a twenty-four year long failed marriage, and five years of being single, I remarried at forty-eight. I still have twelve and thirteen year boys at home, I am working, going to school and continually attending basketball games and football games. It would be conservative to say my life is in constant motion. My husband is twelve and a half years older than me, done raising kids, and was entirely ready to enjoy a slower pace; a semi-retired life. Then “we” happened. We were sealed for all time and eternity in the Gilbert temple August 28, 2018. A fair assessment to describe our match up would be that he prefers the slow lane, and I’m still in the HOV lane. So what happens when two people from different seasons of life pair up and get married? It gets tricky!

 Our first two months were quite rocky. I’m relatively certain both of us were thinking quietly to ourselves, “Oh no, what have I done??” Looking back I realize we were both fully immersed in what John Gottman termed “negative sentiment override.” And just as if things weren’t difficult enough, I took a statistics class that started two weeks after we married. Statistics was by far, the most mentally strenuous class I’ve ever taken, and the pace and time commitment took its toll on our already strained relationship. But that same statistics class gifted our relationship something as well. One of the statistical studies I learned about that difficult semester was one involving happiness and gratitude. They did a study on two groups of people. The control group was asked to carry on as they normally did, recording their normal feelings for the day. The treatment group was asked to write down several things they were grateful for every single day. After three months, both groups were interviewed. The study revealed that people who focus on expressing gratitude on a daily basis report significantly less depression, less anxiety, higher levels of contentment, higher emotional well being and overall increased happiness than those who don’t. As human creatures, we naturally navigate to the negative, focusing on things that bother us throughout the day. If we do not purposefully focus on the things we are blessed with, we tend to overlook them.

 These results captured my attention. I took this principle and applied it to our marriage. I asked my husband if we could do a nightly “gratitude check in,” expressing to each other the things we were grateful for, or things we appreciated about each other, and express these things to each other every night before falling asleep. He agreed and we began our own experiment. What transpired in the following weeks was truly unexpected. Instead of keeping track of my grievances and logging our unresolved battles, I found myself focusing on the little things he did that I appreciated. I found myself purposefully holding onto those things in my mind so I could remember them and express them that evening. This nightly exercise changed our entire relationship. The difference was so substantial I was stunned. Suddenly, our arguments diminished significantly, and we began appreciating each other for the blessings we brought to each other’s lives. Our relationship has taken on an entirely new level of fondness and admiration as we have begun noticing the positives instead of the negatives. It’s not that the negatives are no longer there, they are. It’s just that the positives have now taken on a greater meaning, outweighing the negatives. Without realizing it, we have been practicing “positive sentiment override” described by Gottman. We have been expressing the fondness and admiration we needed to appreciate the beautiful things about our relationship.

 This has breathed new life into how we approach our differences. Now, while we still have difficulties to endure, our relationship has strengthened to a point where the differences do not divide us as they did before. Just as Gottman’s principal of nurturing fondness and admiration has described, it is clear to me this profoundly simple strategy has changed our relationship forever. I’ve learned that sometimes, it’s the things that are so easy to do that are just as easy not to do. The difference is in the determination and dedication to continue focusing on the little things; it is the habitual little things that often yield the biggest results.

 Six months later, we still do our “gratitude check in’s” faithfully each night. If he’s out of town, we do them over the phone or Marco Polo. We don’t miss. I hope we never will.

A happy marriage can be one of the most difficult tasks we endeavor in. Statistics don’t lie. There is a reason why divorce is so prevalent. Marriage brings with it all the growth opportunities we never wanted to have when we first said our “I do’s.” When we said our vows, we were blissfully in love. But then came the hard work, the exposure to a reality we didn’t see coming, and the sensation of dissatisfaction that never aligns with what we hoped and dreamed for. So how do we escape this unsatisfactory reality of a difficult marriage? What is the secret to a happy one? The answer is profoundly simple.

Some might profess a happy marriage is all about effective communication. Others might proclaim it is the couple’s ability to avoid conflict. Principles like these are taught by therapists and counselors across the board in the attempt to salvage failing marriages. However, there is one researcher who has discovered something that may come as a surprise. John Gottman, Ph.D, an American psychological researcher who has done extensive work over four decades on divorce and marital stability reveals the secret of a happy marriage in his book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” Gottman offers some illuminating behaviors and patterns that many may immediately recognize in their own relationships.

Gottman developed his theories by creating “The Love Lab.” In this laboratory, Gottman invited hundreds of married couples in to discuss a sensitive issue while being monitored, videotaped and studied. First he hooked the couple up to sensors to measure things like heart rate, respiration rate and perspiration rate, then he had the couple go at it. Gottman was able to predict within minutes of a couple’s conversation whether they were destined for divorce or not, (with 91% accuracy), just by measuring their stress levels during an argument.

There’s a few patterns couples engage in that bring about unhappy marriages. Gottman names “harsh start up,” where a spouse begins a discussion with their partner in an accusatory and hostile tone. 2^nd on Gottman’s list of signs of a troubled marriage he labels “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” He names criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling as the patterns that bring a marriage into doomsday. Gottman clarifies that complaints and criticisms are two very different things. Complaints exist in every marriage. They are specific to the behavior and only address the action, which is causing the grievance. Criticism adds on negativity about the spouse’s character and personality. This quickly becomes character assignation and blame. Contempt involves eye rolling, sneering, sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, mockery and hostile humor. It is poisonous to the relationship because it conveys disgust and paves the way for more conflict instead of resolution. Defensiveness is ultimately a way of blaming your partner and escalates the conflict. Stonewalling is where one partner tunes out, completely avoiding the confrontation all together.

Gottman also describes a terms he refers to as “flooding” and “negative sentiment override.” Flooding happens when a spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming, their partner feels flooded with emotional distress, evoking a “flight or fight” response. “Negative sentiment override” occurs when a spouse allows their negative feelings towards their spouse to “override” all the positive aspects that exist in the relationship, focusing only on the negative.

The most revealing truth Gottman defines in his studies gives pause for consideration. Gottman suggests conflict is inevitable, and it is not uncommon for some of these negative behaviors to show up at times in marriage. Yet not all of these marriages are doomed for failure. Why? Gottman boils it down to one simple reason. There is one characteristic of a marriage that seems to be the saving grace of a relationship, keeping it afloat amidst all the turbulent storms they must weather. That one characteristic is simply, “friendship.” Gottman declares, “The way to prevent divorce or revive an unhappy marriage is not about how you resolve arguments, but in how you interact when you’re NOT fighting. “ The ultimate foundation of Gottman’s approach is to strengthen the friendship within the marriage. If two people truly respect and admire each other, and enjoy each other’s friendship and camaraderie, they have a strength within their marriage that has the potential to endure. As humans, there is a tendency to treat friends with kindness and respect, yet unleash our irritable and cantankerous self on our mate. For a happy marriage to endure, we must correct this negative pattern. We must treat the delicate friendship with our spouse like it’s the most important friendship of all, because it truly is. The bottom line is, if you treat your spouse as good as you treat your friends, you are forging a marriage of strength that can endure the difficulties that are sure to come.