A happy marriage can be one of the most difficult tasks we endeavor in. Statistics don’t lie. There is a reason why divorce is so prevalent. Marriage brings with it all the growth opportunities we never wanted to have when we first said our “I do’s.” When we said our vows, we were blissfully in love. But then came the hard work, the exposure to a reality we didn’t see coming, and the sensation of dissatisfaction that never aligns with what we hoped and dreamed for. So how do we escape this unsatisfactory reality of a difficult marriage? What is the secret to a happy one? The answer is profoundly simple.
Some might profess a happy marriage is all about effective communication. Others might proclaim it is the couple’s ability to avoid conflict. Principles like these are taught by therapists and counselors across the board in the attempt to salvage failing marriages. However, there is one researcher who has discovered something that may come as a surprise. John Gottman, Ph.D, an American psychological researcher who has done extensive work over four decades on divorce and marital stability reveals the secret of a happy marriage in his book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” Gottman offers some illuminating behaviors and patterns that many may immediately recognize in their own relationships.
Gottman developed his theories by creating “The Love Lab.” In this laboratory, Gottman invited hundreds of married couples in to discuss a sensitive issue while being monitored, videotaped and studied. First he hooked the couple up to sensors to measure things like heart rate, respiration rate and perspiration rate, then he had the couple go at it. Gottman was able to predict within minutes of a couple’s conversation whether they were destined for divorce or not, (with 91% accuracy), just by measuring their stress levels during an argument.
There’s a few patterns couples engage in that bring about unhappy marriages. Gottman names “harsh start up,” where a spouse begins a discussion with their partner in an accusatory and hostile tone. 2nd on Gottman’s list of signs of a troubled marriage he labels “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” He names criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling as the patterns that bring a marriage into doomsday. Gottman clarifies that complaints and criticisms are two very different things. Complaints exist in every marriage. They are specific to the behavior and only address the action, which is causing the grievance. Criticism adds on negativity about the spouse’s character and personality. This quickly becomes character assignation and blame. Contempt involves eye rolling, sneering, sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, mockery and hostile humor. It is poisonous to the relationship because it conveys disgust and paves the way for more conflict instead of resolution. Defensiveness is ultimately a way of blaming your partner and escalates the conflict. Stonewalling is where one partner tunes out, completely avoiding the confrontation all together.
Gottman also describes a terms he refers to as “flooding” and “negative sentiment override.” Flooding happens when a spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming, their partner feels flooded with emotional distress, evoking a “flight or fight” response. “Negative sentiment override” occurs when a spouse allows their negative feelings towards their spouse to “override” all the positive aspects that exist in the relationship, focusing only on the negative.
The most revealing truth Gottman defines in his studies gives pause for consideration. Gottman suggests conflict is inevitable, and it is not uncommon for some of these negative behaviors to show up at times in marriage. Yet not all of these marriages are doomed for failure. Why? Gottman boils it down to one simple reason. There is one characteristic of a marriage that seems to be the saving grace of a relationship, keeping it afloat amidst all the turbulent storms they must weather. That one characteristic is simply, “friendship.” Gottman declares, “The way to prevent divorce or revive an unhappy marriage is not about how you resolve arguments, but in how you interact when you’re NOT fighting. “ The ultimate foundation of Gottman’s approach is to strengthen the friendship within the marriage. If two people truly respect and admire each other, and enjoy each other’s friendship and camaraderie, they have a strength within their marriage that has the potential to endure. As humans, there is a tendency to treat friends with kindness and respect, yet unleash our irritable and cantankerous self on our mate. For a happy marriage to endure, we must correct this negative pattern. We must treat the delicate friendship with our spouse like it’s the most important friendship of all, because it truly is. The bottom line is, if you treat your spouse as good as you treat your friends, you are forging a marriage of strength that can endure the difficulties that are sure to come.