Power wars. Marriage can produce the best of them. There are times when a couple reaches gridlock on an issue and finding resolution can take time, patience and compassion; qualities that are often in short supply during a disagreement. How we resolve our challenges reflects more about our natures than we’d probably like to admit. It can be difficult to assess one’s own blind spots when it comes to power in our relationships. Can we honestly assess if we dominate conversations or exert control over our partners? Can we truly discern if our partner feels free to express their opinions, and if they feel heard and understood? When we don’t agree with our spouse, do we give them the cold shoulder? Power struggles manifest themselves in many forms, sometimes very subtle. Resisting influence of a spouse, “tuning out” their point of view, and barricading the opinion of a spouse during an argument are all power plays where one is positioning to “win out” over the other.
Richard Miller, Director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University suggests that “The issues of power, control, and hierarchy are important in families. Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems… Happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership.” Dr. Ross Eshleman states, “Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and relationship satisfaction.” (The Family, 2003, p 331.)
In a research project at the School of Family Life at BYU, Richard Miller was involved in studying interactions of 500 families in Seattle, Washington and 200 families in Utah Valley. Miller suggests that power is made up of two major components. “The first is the process of power, where one spouse tends to dominate conversations, doesn’t listen to the other partner’s opinion, etc. The second component is power outcome, which is determined by which partner tends to get their way when there is a disagreement.”
While “winning” an argument might feel like a victory in the moment, it may count as a loss later when intimacy and closeness in the relationship suffers. Sometimes it takes time to recognize the damage done while ensuring “the win.” It can manifest itself in lost trust, emotional distance between spouses, and diminished faith in fair and equitable problem-solving in the future. “Getting your way” comes with asserting superiority at the cost of losing a degree of respect and admiration from the one you need it most. When one partner feels continually dismissed, disregarded and “overridden,” marital satisfaction plummets. Sharing power in a relationship is not only a key factor in effective problem solving, it is the only way to cultivate an atmosphere of harmony, mutual respect and true partnership in marriage. Without those ingredients, the relationship eventually fails, and any forthcoming “wins” might just take place in the courtroom.