As a mother of five, I have launched three kids into this big, wide world, and it is not an easy task. I’m not one of those parents who is doing the “hip hip hooray” chant when my kids leave. Emotionally, it can be a bit heart wrenching. As my first daughter prepared to leave for college, I was thrilled for her. I didn’t get the chance to do that and I was ecstatic she would have the opportunity to fulfill a dream I had always longed to fill. When it came to loading the truck, moving all her things and helping her get settled in her dorm, I found myself in uncharted territory. When it came time to leave, I discovered an entirely new emotion I had never felt before. Driving away that night was possibly one of the most emotionally difficult moments I’ve had as a mother. Once we arrived home, I sat in her empty room and just cried. I looked around the room, remembering countless memories over so many years from the time she was young. Not having her home anymore left a vacancy in my heart.
My second daughter left home two years later. Knowing what I was up against did not help much. She was my last daughter to leave me home with all boys. When she left, she took the last of our late night conversations, talking about boys while she did her make-up in the bathroom, late night discussions after she came home from dates, and all the girlie stuff in between that just doesn’t exist with boys. When my second daughter left, I sat in her room and cried just the same.
When my son got ready to leave on his mission, I couldn’t have been more thrilled and proud. It’s a moment I had been anticipating, teaching, guiding and hoping for all the years I had been raising him. He was doing exactly what he should be doing. Yet, at departure, when he walked away for the last time and disappeared through airport security, it felt like he was taking my heart with him.
These are the triumphs in a parent’s life, but they also bring challenges in other ways. I’m guilty of not wanting my kids to move away from me. I can’t imagine not being able to hug and kiss my grand-kids often. But I have learned to let go and provide the distance my kids have needed as they have begun their own new journey together. I have three married kids now, and I feel all of them have maintained relative closeness in healthy ways. Sometimes they come over to talk, or we talk when I visit them, but overall, I know they manage the majority of their difficulties together as spouses. They seem to have all learned to keep marital difficulties “close to their vest,” and rely on each other to work through challenges instead of divulging sensitive information that is often best to keep between the two of them.
In reading the article, “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws,” it is fantastic reinforcement to be reminded:
“Parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law.”
It takes some adjustment for parents to progress through a new phase of life with their kids moving out and on with life. The biggest adjustment I had to make was letting go. Once closely involved in the details of my kid’s lives, I had to accept the fact that I would no longer be. I would no longer know their daily details, nor should I. In order for them to move on, I had to let them move forward without me. It took some time to get used to not knowing, not always being there for them. I learned to focus my attention on other positive aspects of life and giving them the space they needed to grow and figure things out on their own. Through all the difficult adjustments, time has has blessed me with the great joys of grandchildren. While parenting was a continuous, never-ending challenge, grand-parenting is thee best thing ever. I dare say, being a grandparent can be more fun than being a parent! I now have a new philosophy. In my opinion, parenting is like having to eat your green beans, and grand-parenting is like getting to eat your dessert after you finish your green beans. (wink, wink)