There is a deceptive illusion swirling around the notion of marriage. Perhaps many might fall prey to its false pretenses without even realizing it. As little girls, we might dream of meeting our knight in shining armor, who will whisk us away into the perpetual bliss of a golden sunset. Perhaps young men might fantasize of a beautiful woman, one who will finally meet their every need whenever a need emerges. Bruce C. Haven so purposefully quotes a young bride on her wedding day, who exclaims to her mother, “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!”
“Yes,” replied the mother, “but at which end?”
It’s a masterful question. Just when we think we have fallen blissfully in love with the perfect person, the shine wears off and suddenly we find ourselves encountering difficulties we never even imagined. In his article, “Covenant Marriage,” Elder Hafen describes, “When troubles come to a contractual marriage, [the parties] seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenant to each other, to the community, and to God.”
We are inspired to live a higher law, one that requires unconditionally loving each other and sacrificing for one another. But even a covenant marriage will be continually tested. Elder Hafen names three kinds of “wolves” that can dismantle any young couples ideal definition of what they thought marriage would be. The first wolf is natural adversity. None of us are immune to life’s difficulties that are sure to come. We all encounter and must endure trials we never envisioned beforehand. And when those challenges deliver a powerful blow, they strike at the heart of marital stability, often leaving both spouses feeling unsettled. This is where covenant couples cling to each other for stability.
The second wolf is the couple’s own imperfections. Each spouse will be tested with the continual shortcomings of the other. Without the perspective of the gospel, these weaknesses can feel intolerable. But through the lens of the eternal perspective and the true love of Christ, we learn to love each other in the midst of those deficits.
The third wolf, Elder Hafen stated, is excessive individualism. It is a growing belief that “the bonds of kinship and marriage are not valuable ties that bind, but are, instead, sheer bondage.” No longer does society emphasize the importance of having any kind of responsibility to another human being. Marriage and family are simply a deterrent for a self-fulfilling lifestyle that drags us down. It might be easy to fall into the trap of self-focused care. We certainly all need moments of self-care. However, as is often the case, serving one another often serves the server more that the “other.” We are shaped and defined by the lives we improve around us; by the people who are lifted and inspired by our influence. True charity is defined by the intentions of one’s heart, and the outward display of authenticity is a manifestation of that principle.
Loving one another, and truly sacrificing for one another is not an easy principle to live by. However, it is certainly the most noble, the most enduring principle one can endeavor to achieve. One day, we will all be held accountable for the “wolves” we fed within us. We must be ever-alert to avoid falling prey to the societal self-indulgence that is plaguing our culture.
